So the other day i was watching a documentary on BBC Three called ‘Clean Eating’s dirty secrets’, where Vlogger and internet queen Grace Victory explores into the world of ‘Clean eating’. It was a real eye opener, to a lot of things that have happened in my life the last year and also how i see and understand things now.
You’ll see from my previous blog posts that i was prepping for a body building competition in July this year. You’ll also see that i never blogged about my show or mentioned it again. This is because i didn’t compete. At the time, 2 weeks prior to the competition, i pulled out. I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself and couldn’t face telling people, especially my clients! Being in prep was tough. I had my own life to live, be apart of a family, keep up a relationship, giving everything to my clients and fit in 5 weight training sessions and 2 HIIT sessions a week whilst being on very little calories. I mean…i struggled hard. I’ve mentioned that i struggled through prep in one of my previous blog posts but i haven’t gone into it in detail as i was ashamed to say. I still find it hard to explain but it basically made me have a really bad relationship with food. Which tainted me as a person. I can’t blame the prep itself, i had other issues in my life at the time too, but everything put together was causing me A LOT of stress and anxiety in everyday life. I couldn’t do the things i enjoyed. I was cut off from the world entirely. I was lost.
When i was watching Grace Victory on the programme it just made me realise that there are so many people in the world obsessed by food and being a certain way. I was one of those people. I wanted to be a certain shape and a certain size but it broke me, it seems to have broken a lot of other people too. There are so many different diet’s and ‘best ways to eat’ these days and it’s all very confusing. Anyone can become a nutritionist and everyone has different opinions on food. Everyone has a different way of eating which suits them and their lifestyle, I think thats the biggest thing to remember. If you are veggie, vegan, paleo whatever it is, if it works for you and you are happy then thats all that matters. Body image is everywhere and so many females, and males, struggle to be happy with their body image…but that’s a whole other post!
Being a personal trainer really helped me to realise i had an issue with food, as much as i hate to admit it. Thankfully i realised sooner rather than later and it didn’t effect me for too long, but long enough to cause drama and long term issues which i still face. I struggle with anxiety in social situations which can make it hard to work and also anxiety with food, making sure that i eat ‘clean’ and if i don’t eat the healthy foods i’ll be something i don’t want to be…basically fat! I manage with the anxiety and stress so much better now then i ever have done and i’m finally getting back on track to being the old me again. But then from watching the documentary it just made me want to help others in some way with mental health issues, whether thats an eating disorder or anxiety. I can’t deny i still have some problems with food but i manage to deal with the anxiety much better and enjoy food now, if i could help other people with that too how amazing would that be?! I don’t think mental health is spoken about enough as people feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit it, so i’m going to be as open and honest as possible. I’ve had a wave of determination and realisation to who i am and what i’m here to do…as cringe and spiritual as that sounds!
I hope and believe that one day i can be totally and brutally honest and explain in much more detail to the problems and issues i went through. But i’m still growing. I’m still finding me again and just making sure that i do what i love. I would highly recommend the programme, it’s on catch up (BBC Three), it just makes you realise how many FAD diets there are out there and what really works. Grace Victory is an amazing Vlogger and would also recommend following her blog (http://www.graciefrancesca.com), she speaks from the heart and there is no beating around the bush.
This was a pretty random post but if you suffer from a mental health illness or just want someone to talk to about dealing with anxiety then drop a comment below and i’ll help as much as i can!